The Darkness

The struggle is real. The fight to overcome still remains. Darkness consumes and suffocates.

Yet, even in these dark days I hear the faint whisper of truth. It comes in forms of my loving husband, friends that encourage and pray for me. It comes through songs on the radio and podcasts filled with encouragement. It comes in my doctors and even in medication. I’m slowly hearing it in my own prayers and will repeat it until it is in my heart.

The truth that even in my darkness and my struggles that I am still worthy. That HE still loves me. HE has not left me. I am HIS child and HIS beloved. I AM HIS

I will fail. I will screw up.It is inevitable because I am a mess.  Except HE doesn’t see a mess, HE just sees me and that means HE can see YOU that same way too.

It may be dark but we can still link arms and crawl through this darkness together. We can purposefully listen in for his truth, knowing that one day that whisper is going to be louder and the darkness will one day begin to fade. There will be light- I know there will be. I can’t see it yet but I know it’s there. Let’s look for it together.

Waiting through a storm…

Friday morning the sky was grey and large rain clouds were looming close by.  I had to run by the post office for a quick stamp and mail a letter. The moment I stepped inside I could hear the thunder outside and the pitter patter of the rain beginning.  I’m waiting in the line {trying to be patient} and I feel like it is taking forever. The rain changed from the soft thrumming to a huge storm that I swore looked like something from a Tsunami. You know what I’m talking about. The kind of rain that Forest Gump talked about– the dreaded sideways rain with waves of wind and lightning.

I did a quick and totally un-mathematical equation  of getting to the car and quickly deduced it would not be fast enough to even stay partially dry. I stood there for a good while simply waiting and contemplating when the storm would end. I left my phone in the car and all there was to do was simply WAIT.

Forrest-Gump-movies-188160_1014_419

I heart Forest ! I think I had the same expression on my face too!

Funny thing how analogies go. They can hit you at the wildest times. I am standing there and begin to think… waiting is my new thing. During our whole adoption process we nick named those years the waiting game. We applied to then wait to hear if we were accepted. We worked on the dossier to then wait for it to be completed.  We were D.T.E and then waited for a referral. We received our referral and waited for a court date and on and on. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. So it was a total surprise when after our adoption was all done and over and N had been home a little over a year that things started going crazy in our lives. I thought I had this whole patience thing down.   HA!  Oh ye of little faith!- Matthew 8:26 anyone????

@Brittney Borowski Photography

When I looked back I realized how much more waiting we had endured this year and just how stormy it had been. So unpredictable and scary with some massive waves! Since last fall I have been digging into God like no other and learning to live with the #ANewNormal. I am learning so much about myself, boundary setting and learning about my coping skills {or lack their of }. I had backed off this blog for a while really because I was so unsure how to write. I couldn’t see how to process what was going on and share with others. I mean how do you write when you’re in the middle of the storm?????

 But then, in the moments when I was standing there watching this pouring rain that I decided to take a chance. I didn’t know when the storm would stop. Would I stay held hostage in the post office for an hour while the storm beat down or would it stop a minute after I decide to go?
 I had no idea if It was going to get better or worse so I just leapt.
 I shoved the door as fast as I could, grabbed hold of the rail and ran out in the wet and the cold. I completely soaked myself. My clothes were drenched and my glasses were all foggy, my hair was a disaster and I shivered in my cold car gasping for breath. I felt exhausted {apparently I am out of shape!} and stuck and started thinking just how nice it would be to crawl into my bed and hid under the covers but I didn’t.
Today I’m taking another leap… on this blog.  I may not know when my own storm will end.  My own rain may be sideways or big fat drops or the spitting type of rain. Some days I feel like I am deep in the mud up to my waist and it will take everything I have to dig my way out. Personally I’d love a little hippy rain {a soft gentle rain on a sunny day}. No matter the day, God is my weatherman and I can choose to wait out the storm inside or I can make a run for it.
Today I choose to leap even in my storm because you too may be there too.

 

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Need some inspiration during your wait?  Listen to : Oceans by Hillsong  or these podcasts: Mud Stories by Jacque Watkins

Leave a comment below and we can encourage each other together while we wait!

What’s in a blog?

Blogging started as a way to document our adoption and share our journey. As our journey started to unfold so did the blog. It expanded to more than just adoption and really stared to take shape. Through out the years {I can not believe YEARS!} it has grown into posts that center on reflection and restoration. From the early days of telling the steps of adoption to learning more about myself I have striven to share my struggles and my successes.

If you have followed along, you know that our lives have shifted and God has done some crazy things in our lives {I mean like 2014- thank the Lord you are over could not have happened any sooner}. He has closed some doors and made his path clear for us, at least for the time being. I have always wanted a big sign from Him and like a billboard – I got it!

With my change to now being a stay at home mom while I heal,  I hope to use this blog as my beginning platform to speak truth and grace. I have never felt like a very good writer and definitely think I jammer on way to long. I also know that in all the things God is showing me and that I am learning, I can not keep quiet! Y’all he is teaching me some crazy stuff and you need to hear it too!

 I am a continual work in progress. But, what I do have is a firm understanding of who I am and how I am to live this day. In me is a burning heart that wants desperately to help you discover the life you were meant to live too.

Lets do this thing! #ANewNormal

Amanda